Right now my whole system is rebelling. Against what I'm not sure, but I know this is going to be ugly. My eyes always hurt these days, my head won't stop pounding and my joints have a mild steady burn. I feel like something is trying to crawl out of my chest. It's almost enough to make me want to see a doctor... almost. I think I'll wait till my skin starts melting. It's odd but I've also been feeling both more rage bound and more numb, alternating hate and apathy. I'm just fucking lost. And for the record, just in case anyone has a way to help, I'm looking for either enough alcohol or enough meaningless (or meaningful) sex to make me forget how Masochistic my relationships tend to be. (see "dead man Walking" and "Breaking point")

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel like staying in bed and not doing anything for the whole day? Where you have the distinct impression it wuld take a feat of will to even get dressed, much less do anything? Okay great, now extend that over a month or two, combine it with a deep, powerful dread that all the people around you will end up making your situation worse and the creeping feeling that nothing you are going to do matters in the least and you will still end up just as hurt and unstable as you were before if not worse. Damn, wouldn't that suck? Yeah I think it would... Like a fucking hoover stuck to a jet engine.

Okay so it's rant time again. Not sure what brought it on, I am pretty sure that I'll fucking shiv someone if I don't get this one out here.
The topic of todays festivities is Weakness.
We have developed a society in which our children and our peers are completely emotionally and systemically inept. How else do you explain the "emo" populace? Nothing more than a bunch of stupid fucking children raised to be criminally unequipped to handle thier own emotions. I'm not endorsing the emo subculture I'm just extrapolating my own understanding for their inappropriate behaviour. It is for this same reason that our society has record high numbers of bipolarism and depression. Humanity has bred itself into ineptitude, Raising peopel to feel that the only way to handle their "out of control" emotions is to pump themselves full of "stabalizing" chemicals. I have said this before and will say it again, there is no such thing as an incurable issue. With proper support and force of will one can over come or at least stabilize any incongruity. I have seen it done. I have done it myself. I have helped others to really understand the beauty of having your own emotions. The alternitive is to live a life devoid of real and natural emotion. Personally, I would rather be Mad than numb. I realize that this coming from someone like me is deeply counter intuitive, I am after all horribly broken in my own right, anyone who spends more than a few hours with me knows my... abnormal psychological situation. But I would still rather deal with the pain and know it's real than be outside of it but unsure.
This leads me to the topic of immunology. Has anyone noticed the after effects of even relatively simple drugs used regularly over the course of a sickness? Or, as often happens, when one isn't strictly ill? It degrades the system, badly. Ask my little sister about this one folks, there is a reason she's damn near always sick. When a chemical is administered regularly to "assist" a healthy system the system looses independant function and becomes reliant upon the external aid to overcome even slight infections. The body begins producing less responsive and less effective antibodies as it doen't feel the brunt of the invasion and deals only with a small and relatively weakened part of the infection that wasn't dealt with by the chemical, if it is left anything at all. This wholesale weakening in conjunction with the evolution of disease to resist these external chemicals has resulted in a situation in which it would only take a marginally adaptive and mostly unknown virus to wipe this planet clean. I am disgusted with this situation, obviously, and I find the propagation of this weakness for no better reason than to line the pockets of the medical industry (a phrase I find obscene in it's own right) to be a travesty against nature.

*sigh* okay I'm done. You can go back to your twisted little lives now.

I am such a fuck up. It is actually amusing sometimes how much I suck at this fucking Game. My distinct lack of personal security and my surprising deficiency of interpersonal confidence have time and again destroyed some of the most beautiful periods of my life. I -Have- to overcome this before it ruins me. I -will- grow past this. It's just so hard to get past old habits. So many years of knowing that everything I care about will be taken from me in one way or another has lead to a self destructive streak. I've got to stop before I loose everything.
I'm so very tired.